The second wave ( his story prepared me (

The second wave ( his story prepared me (

21/9/2020

So, I am used to being told what to do and when to do it from a young age. I even learnt to punish myself.

Yet I grew up wanting control. I wanted control because that way I could not feel hurt and pain.

It’s a sad realisation that now I see that the only way to gain control was to control others and hence put them through the same feelings that I felt from the ones that I try to escape from. It’s a circle that I need to break.

Thing is I don’t know how to break that circle. Die, conform or rule. I already did the hide away and was left with no shelter or friends or family. So, either conform or be lonely it’s a sin either way. You become an outcast or you suck it up and be what they want you to be.

Today I felt tears, not because a friend had died or because a lock down is about to happen it was because I had to walk away from a table with my friend’s cos it was not in the rules made today. I felt that loneliness I felt in school cos I was not cool enough to sit at the table with the cool kids. So instead, I went to another pub wit the drop outs and cheaper. I didn’t fit their world even after years I would lighten their table as a female being one of the boys.

First time I have felt the tears well up in my eyes since school as I saw the pity looks from my friends as they sat there and even in retirement watched me leave. Nothing changes. Carry on drinking your pints boys. Save your pity looks. Thing is its not really their fault they are just good at conforming. I could have sat on my own but I didn’t want conforming them to feel worse watching me drink alone… I walked away so you didn’t have to see it.

I question myself why I didn’t do that then I realised I did it because I actually give a shit about my friends and would never allow that to happen to a friend or any human.  See I can’t bear to see pain in others and I knew that it may well do that to them whether they realise that or not. Its not their fault after all. They know no different.

What the fuck is going on I will tell you what is going on. It is a great look at who everybody truly is. Who will stand up, who are your friends,who really sees the control has stepped up?

As I get stronger the rest of you get weaker abiding by this new rule and those rules as long as it doesn’t upset your life to much. I see what is going on. Conformity is what they will tell you makes a society but I read lord of the rings or was it flies … a bit … and I tell you we are headed that way. I don’t believe anybody has ever written a sequel to a book that depicts society break down cos it has happened. I can tell you and really don’t want to say how bad it really gets. Lord of the files 2 goes like this … they kill each other and then die cos they have nobody , sorry that might have been the extended one.. That plot would never sell. The mental depression made them kill themselves in two chapters after what they had to do and what they have left was enough. The human race will never survive that way.

When you face fear, you have to remember it will always be there otherwise you don’t move forward, cocky is a slang for that. You need fear all the time.

The exception is when you have the fear beaten out of you and you can’t see any more of it so you die. Shell shock. you see so much nothing scares you any more and you have nothing to over come anymore because you are overcome by the experience you have been through. Good god I’m on a rant. Well, this is kind of the purpose of this.

   I am pissed of at the start of the second wave. The government are making up rules by the day. The best one yet is they will blame us when they put us in lock down again. “WE gave you the chance to stay away from each other but the pub is open and must go to work on whatever transport so the next lock down is on you!”  Fuck wits making up excuses cos they fucked up the last lock down. Bring it on we can manage fine. Your coffers will be empty but t the country will still run with or without you. Go on fuck it up we won’t need to bother with a revolutions etc you will fall over the side of the ship yourself but that dam ship you tried to control will still carry-on sailing.

We will sail into uncharted waters but we will sail. May have to live on rations and let go of possessions but we will not let go of our need to survive with or with out you. Actually, I think we will fare better than you. Off you pop on the winter of greed, the underdog has a sense of fear they will never bow down to that drives them to survive. The fake fear you create is pathetic. You have no idea what fear is to be hungry, homeless and alone. The meek rule this world because we have had the lessons of going without and what is important and greed does not play any part in that.  We bounce!

This period will stick in our minds our entire lives and how we are treated will never leave our soul and memory.

Ha ha good luck with that. I know what you are trying to do … divide and conquer but sorry kids you should have studied history it does not work. Your empire like all the previous ones died and vanished and your name is only remembered from what is written about you by you.

This time is a turning point the good or bad guys don’t write history we all do.

 That’s a scary thought isn’t it. the Spanish inquest was told like Liz won. Hell fire no. History is slowly being unravelled to discover that your tales will not be told by the ones you paid to tell a good story about … no no guys this time the meek are writing this so our future generations don’t get lied to again.

I do apologise about this but suck it up if you are a twat you will be recorded as a twat ,  a liar, a greedy soul,  a slave to your upbringing (we will feel a little pity on that  but you had all the same info so … will only go so far) Even the Caesars are having a slatting these days. Sorry but if you are dick then it all comes out in the wash. This time though there are millions of witnesses who will  be sorry are writing about you, your name is dirt while your alive do you really think it wont when your dead.

Stop with that shit and change things while your alive and make your name great. Well make amends at least. If you want to fuck off on your millions and live on an island enjoy but it would be better for the rest of the race if you just took a hit of something and  fucked of.  Ooh see the bitterness kicking in! But I do have point.

So, lock down take two of four. It will be interesting this time next year I can tell you. I wonder who will be running the country then … if we have one … If I am alive that is.

 We are children of tomorrow hanging on to yesterday .  We need to read yesterday in clear light and be tomorrow . We need to let go of the past cos we don’t have any real facts but a few and they are harsh we need to take them and change the next day .

6.10.2020

 So I had a dream that told me where we are going and in the cold Rainy day it was conformed. Human behaviour never changes. I should be bored with history and try be told ,I am a bit odd because it’s the same story over and over again. There is a reason why the plague and black death were not recorded it simple its not a a one off event plagues have been used to scare people over the times to the advantage of the top knobs. There were plenty of new illnesses every day but the ones recorded are the ones when big things happened . People die every day from illness and I hope that we had left that basic thought but the top knobs use it to their advantage . To scare and control IT’S A SIN STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM A REVOUTION .  I did learn that after a plague that they created ( I don’t mean the virus I mean the way they used it for power) Abide or you will die. That is the basic of religion abide or spent eternal life in hell. Sorry ranting again.

They didn’t really write much about it because it became normal life and excuse to bring new laws in and control what we were doing . There is one thing they can depend on is that we adapt we move on . We abide until we realise we can take control of our own lives. We can chose what we do and the reason we believe that is because of glimmers hope and union in our pain . If we can live in pain and share it and be lifted up, that they feel the same and rise up together as one. My god I sound like every great story in time but guess what that is exactly why they are our great story in time. We overcame we looked out for each other we stood together and said NO! No to being governed by the rich no to etc etc

It’s a tale as ole as time. It just keeps on going and going. Time and time again. The sense to fight has always been there it always will be it’s the most basic instinct. I dream of a time when that fight is not against each other it is about learning it is about advancing our evolution. I will never be a famous writer because I don’t have different approach, well I kind do its me just ranting but not in a creative way. My approach is not about facts it’s about enlightenment as you learn. I don’t have the answer |I just see the picture over and over again. The picture that forms the human pattern. I feel like we are going round and round in circles and never ending. Too much knowledge is a burden I agree with. There is no hope. There is no change in the future that will be different from our past. It’s the same o same o

I need shard of light maybe the sun will give it one day. Its not about me proving myself to humanity it’s about humanity proving themselves to me. When that day comes, I will live and give up my life for it. It’s the little things that make a grand reaction. I have started. Covid has affected in sneaky ways. Conquer and divide is working but death and pain brings us back to what matters. I will take the pain again. After all I’m already upstairs hiding with my teddy in the school attic   again. I tried to make a difference but its pointless. The poison is already setting loose in my veins I just need to set it free and then nothing for me again. I have to do it right or Ill be sectioned. It does it or be in hell forever. The way out is in my hands.

29.12.2020

The way out is a cowardly act.

I am far from that I always was. I never wanted to kill myself. I just wanted to reach out.  To be noticed. That is all. Always shut down. The truth hurt and that’s all I could ever speak, the truth that I heard. His story was always true until proved otherwise. His story…. his his his his hisss hissz. Have you eard.? I spend my life reding through his story. their story I love how they see themselves and what they dream and believe, they are their soul. It’s the fire inside them in the despair inside them trying to tell others never to feel the same pain. It’s the story of how they wished they would have lived if certain changes would happen. It is a journey always was. The basic story is about a journey of a person’s life. We always tell basic stories. Ones that we can reflect and tell it well. We seek to be part of a great story. I was at the coronations and riots. We need a story to tell.

A story so unbelieve that nobody would forget it.   It’s a mark we on our life. A story is better than the day-to-day life. But what we don’t realise is that the basics make us who we are. The skills people and challenges we meet creates our story every day. My story is not like yours but we are both the same and feel the same cos we are hu mans. Tell your story always that us the secret of the human race. stories are what make us. We remember[BJ1]  the tales and fables and myths for the simple reason to see we can write our own story. Make it a good one and they will hate you, hate will make them analyse it so you can teach that hate never has a place in the survival of the human race.


 [BJ1]What

Who is this?

?

Ok

Tales of ghosts

How do I get rid of this?